I get it. It’s something that you struggle with and it’s a secret. Everyone from your church would look at you with the side eye if you “came out of the closet” and you feel like more people would judge you rather than sit down with you and help you get through this. I was there. I was the undercover homosexual who went to church.
When I finally decided to share my testimony for the first time in my book, Before Saying Yes to the Ring, some people were surprised and angered. They said: “You were never a homosexual!” “Why are you lying?” “You are trying to make up your testimony so that it can seem more dramatic.”
What I was, was good at hiding things. I was good at being a pretend christian. I didn’t wear baggy pants, walk with a limp, nor did I walk around with a girlfriend. Deep down inside I knew homosexuality was wrong and I tried my best to hide it so that I could keep my reputation of being “Miss. Goody Two Shoes.”
But everything on the inside has to manifest on the outside right? Yes, I agree with this principal 100%. But my physical manifestations would take place in private, instead of in public. Everything happened behind closed doors, or in places where no one else would see, but God. It’d be on the computer, in sex chat rooms, through web cam, or on pornographic sites where I’d watch the women have sex for me, even if I wasn’t doing it.
You see, the enemy would tell me… “What you went through wasn’t real. It was all innocent. You were just a child, just experimenting.” I was a smart child and I was exposed to a lot at a young age, especially after being molested. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing and I went through middle school hiding this. Sin is not age-blind. Don’t think you’ll escape the wrath of God just because you’re “young.”
The bible says in Matthew 5:28 – “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Meaning even my thoughts about doing things with women, were just as bad as if I were doing them in person.
I used to be afraid of sharing my testimony. I thought that I couldn’t validate it enough because I didn’t have any crazy pictures of me looking like a stud. But after receiving plenty of messages from people who have read what I’ve gone through, are experiencing the same thing, and look like they never would’ve been struggling with this spirit, I realize that I can’t judge a book by it’s cover. You NEVER know who is struggling with what. Granted, some people will be more obvious than others… but a lot of people wont.
So this is for you, the one who doesn’t have people rebuking you 24-7 or sprinkling Holy water on your head. The one who is often overlooked for deliverance because you’re scared that those same people will judge you… but God knows. He hears your thoughts, He sees the way that you look at those men/women… how your eyes switch, how your heart jumps a beat, how you hide in your bed and look up those pornographic images and videos all night. He sees. You don’t have to wait for a deliverance conference at your church. The Deliverer is with you.
No one prayed with me for my deliverance or laid hands on me and rebuked me. It was a spiritual journey that I went on privately with God. No one even knew it happened except for me and Him. When I shared my testimony back in 2013, that’s the first time people had ever heard it. So here are some steps you can take towards being delivered, privately, from the spirit of homosexuality.
“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” – Matthew 6:6.
1. REPENT: Repentance is asking for forgiveness, but then turning your back on your old ways. It’s a confession, a decision, and shift in position. 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
2. CLEAN HOUSE: You have to take DRASTIC measures if you really want to be delivered. Of course this is a process and most-likely wont happen over night. But please, get rid of the following things. They plant seeds of lust in your heart and feed that spirit of homosexuality. Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
- Get rid of ALL secular music…music about sex, fornication, clubbing, anything associated with any sin. Find a christian radio station. No don’t go to that concert and yes throw out those cd’s.
- Break up with your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner. You can’t be delivered if you’re still engaging in homosexual activity!
- Stop going to those pornographic websites! Do what you have to do. Put certain blocks on your computer, get rid of your computer or give it to someone else during this time. Go to your public library or something. Only use the computer when people are around you.
- Throw away those magazines! Delete those pictures off of your phone and off of your computer!
- Get rid of all sex toys! Stop masturbating. Put hot sauce on your fingers! (Consult your doctor first of course lol)
- Stop watching those movies! I’m married, grown, but I hardly even watch pg-13 movies. The media is crazy now-a-days. Even though I was delivered years ago, I’m still serious about guarding my heart. During this season, sell your tv. It’s temporary, you can always get another one. Or just cancel your cable service. Get rid of it.
- Get rid of all those clothes that are tied to your homosexual experiences or that bring up lustful thoughts.
3. GET FILLED WITH THE WORD: The bible is going to be your weapon during this time. You have to know how to use your weapon or else you just might get hurt. Mediate on and spend time in God’s word.
- Some of my favorite verses:
- Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
- 2 Corinthians 10:4-6: “(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down vain imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.”
- 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
4. Pass those tests! You will be tested like CRAZY but that is why you must get filled with the word. The word is what you need to “cast down those vain imaginations” and block those lustful seeds that the enemy will try to plant inside of you. Remember, God is always with you and He would never put more on you than you could handle. The more you pass those tests, the easier it will get. I know you can be freed from this.