Diary

Diary Entry #16 – Overcoming my Fear of Public Speaking!

February 2, 2017

Hey everyone,

I wanted to give a brief update of what’s been going on with me lately.

I feel like this year, God is bringing me into another level of my calling. Specifically, the area of public speaking. To be honest, this is something I have been running away from for years. I have tried to escape that place of influence for several reasons. #1… I never thought I was worthy enough to speak… I thought, “who am I? I am not qualified… I am not anyone special, and I am not any better than anyone else.. so why should I be the one to speak?” This is the unhealthy mindset that I am still battling to overcome, because it is rooted in false humility. It is a lack of faith in God’s ability and too much dependence on the human flesh. The revelation I got of this is what inspired my most recent Facebook status. Usually when I post anything online, I am preaching to myself.

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A friend of mine came over last night for some facials and baking. As I shared with her my spiritual dilemma… she voiced a very valid point… my fear of public speaking, shows that I have forgotten the importance of God’s grace to do anything He has called me to do. This resonated with me so much. It is only by God’s grace that I can do this. It is not by my own strength, my own will, and not even because I deserve to or have earned the privilege to speak, but is only by His grace.

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Facials and baking cupcakes with my Jaz <3

All of these memories of me running from my calling always replay in my mind. In high school, I was nominated as the president of our christian club. It was my responsibility to come up with bible studies to share with the group, and sometimes I even had to speak in front of an even larger crowd at outreach events. This was very short lived. After months of speaking and sharing the gospel with students at my high school… I resigned from my position as president of the club. I felt unworthy. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be the leader. The advisor for our group was very disappointed. She said that I was making a mistake, that I was called to do this. I didn’t believe it.

Soon I discovered my gift for spoken word poetry. I loved spoken word because it allowed me to share the gospel in an artistic way vs. sounding preachy. I switched high schools and at my new school, I would stand up in front of everyone in the lunch room and share the gospel through spoken word. I loved it. It was such a great tool to witness to students who were lost and didn’t know Christ. When I got to college, I did the same… I often performed my poem in front of hundreds of students on campus… a majority of them, unbelievers.

Then something happened. The grace that I once had to easily write life transforming spoken word pieces, just left me. God just stripped me of that gift… and I was discouraged because it was the only outlet I knew to share the message burning in my heart. Imagine have writers block for 5 years! That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve been able to write and finish a powerful spoken word piece. So after I realized that gift was taken away, I started this blog so that I can share the gospel by just plainly writing it out. This was my next outlet and I’m still using it to this day.

I feel like God graced me to do spoken word for a season so that I could get my feet wet. Yet, He didn’t want me to get to comfortable with spoken word, because He has called me to speak with boldness… even if there aren’t any rhymes or metaphors attatched to it. So last October, He called me to have my first conference, “The Deliverance Conference.” The whole time leading up to the conference I was dreading that moment where I would have to get up there and speak. I actually wanted to take my face off the flyer at one point and get someone else to be the keynote speaker.. but they turned me down and said they didn’t feel led to… so I was forced to take up the task at hand.

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Ten minutes into my message… I started getting attacked in my mind…

What are you doing Karolyne? What makes you think you have the right to stand up here and speak? You are not anointed for this! Go sit down.

And with the following words I ended my message prematurely, never getting the opportunity to share the message that I spent an entire week fasting heavily for and praying over.

“I’m not gunna prolong this ummm… I’m gunna keep it simple …. and I’m gunna close early cause I feel led to.”

I didn’t feel led to. I was afraid. I was in the flesh. Yet again, I was running away from my calling. So I passed the mike over to the guest speaker and I literally let her take over and close out the conference that I was called to execute.

To this day I still beat myself up about it and I was hesitant to put the video on YouTube but I realize that it’s not about me so I uploaded it anyway. Now this year, I feel that the urge is stronger than it’s ever been. I will be speaking at the Pinky Promise conference, all my writers retreats, and a women’s conference in New Orleans this April.

My husband has also been a great influence in this season and one of my greatest motivators. He has poured into me so much and encouraged me to speak. He knows the struggles of my past, so he is leading me to face my fears and stop running. I am so thankful for a husband that is willing to affirm the call of God on my life. In everything I do, I gladly do it in submission to him, my head.

I am being stretched so much in this season. If it we’re up to me, I would stick to blogging and YouTube videos. It’s easy to do something from behind the computer, camera, or in the comfort of my own home… especially since I’m an introvert. But, there is something about coming face to face with human flesh and blood. There is something special about seeing the souls that you are impacting, eye-to-eye.

Any-who, this is what I am working through as of now. I am trying to get my mind ready for what’s ahead and I am learning to practice speaking in BOLDNESS. If you are a prayer warrior, please lift me up in your quiet time as I transition into this new season.

Thank you,
Karolyne

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply Beverline Baron February 2, 2017 at 8:25 pm

    Wow wow wow!!!!!!!!!! What a beautiful and transparent testimony! I am so happy for you that God has you out of your comfort zone and is stretching you to higher heights. I know we only met once but sometimes I feel as though I know you. You are an inspiration and I truly am blessed by the ministry you have. Remember you can do ALL things through Christ who gives you strength. I wouldnt even know you were an introvert because you seem so friendly. I am truly excited that you have your retreats coming soon. I know it will be amazing. I pray in the near future that i would be able to attend. Love you much and may you continue to allow God to use you.

    Much love,
    Bev Baron

    • Reply Karolyne Roberts February 3, 2017 at 4:41 am

      I honestly love you Sis! From day one you’ve always been so supportive. From commenting on my videos, to my blog posts… you always encourage me and it doesn’t go unrecognized. I really hope you can make it to one of the writers retreats one day!! I would sooo love to hang out with you!! Xoxo

  • Reply Patricia C February 2, 2017 at 11:07 pm

    Thank you for sharing. Your transparency is refreshing. I have struggled with public speaking all my life. I just thought my fear of public speaking was apart of who I am and God would work around my inability to speak in public. I think God used your story to shed light on an issue I’m too scared to overcome. I’ll be praying for you and believing God to give you His strength and boldness to do what He has called.

    • Reply Karolyne Roberts February 3, 2017 at 4:42 am

      Wow!! I am glad you could relate and I’m happy to hear this blessed you. We can overcome anything through Christ! Amen!

      • Reply Patricia C February 3, 2017 at 6:52 am

        Yes we can!!! Amen!!!!

  • Reply Anne February 3, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Its so amazing that while you felt you struggled with that, I felt I struggled with keeping quiet. I so sometimes wished I was an introvert, because sometimes the enemy would attack me with, why do you talk too much? you are such an embarrassment. I started asking God to help me talk less and he said, I have made you that way so you wouldn’t stop talking about me to nations, so I just started filling myself up with the Word, so when I speak a lot, its just God centred. The Word sets you on fire too, just gives one an incredible boldness. Sure I do get nervous every time I have to climb a stage to preach but God told me to just shift the focus to HIM. I always start with a worship, then God just takes over and starts preaching through me. He will tell you what to do too, lol. I then realised, oh, it has never been about what I can do but what He can do through me! All I have to do is just avail myself for his use. God is already doing and still is going to do sooo much through you Karolyne, because its all Him working it out through you. He made you the way he has for a purpose and our designer makes no mistakes. Continue in your love relationship and intimacy with him, even as you become one with Him in everything, at his doing. All of heaven has been ready to blow your mind, I just know it!! Love you and your ministry so so much!!

    • Reply Karolyne Roberts February 13, 2017 at 2:26 pm

      Sis!!

      I am so happy that you were able to reach out to me and I could come back and search for this!! Your comment truly blessed me! I am confident that when I spend time in God’s word and when I worship, His words will just flow through me! Amen!! Thanks you for this reminder and your awesome encouragement! Thank you so much! Love you Sis!!

      God bless!

  • Reply stephania February 7, 2017 at 9:41 pm

    WOWWWW!!! Thank Karrolyn for sharing I needed this!!! I’m an extrovert but I struggle with speaking in front of others as well… weird huh? lol but anytime I’ve had to I always remind myself that it’s not be my own strength nor my message but rather what the spirit has led me to share and he sees me capable of it and through him I’ve been equipped. so as much nerves as I have going up it goes away once I start sharing the word I see relying on myself fails but relying on him always comes through! keep pushing girly and trusting in the Lord and ALL work you do is onto him (colossians 3:23) including public speaking 🙂

    you’re doing great!

    • Reply Karolyne Roberts February 7, 2017 at 10:50 pm

      Amen!!! Thanks so much for sharing and thanks for the encouragement :). I really appreciate your comment.

  • Reply Kayte February 24, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    I resonate with you so well.I can see myself in you- how there is this specific thing that keeps dragging me down even when the Lord asks me to do something I’m like, “Lord I can’t because of this thing.” Lord help me!!

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